Goodbye 2016

so i know this isn’t a right-on-time New Year salutation, but as 2017 came to us on a Sunday, and i try to limit my screen time especially on Sunday’s, i wasn’t feeling up to writing this then.
plus i needed a little bit of time for sinking-in and mulling-over of some of the following.
this might get long, but such is the way of my heart, so bare with me.

i have felt more me this year than i ever have before.

a friend and i have this joke “you're more you than you've ever been” which comes about when we feel content, we’ve had revelations into our innermost workings, or breakthroughs in regards to external issues.

and that might sound trivial to you in a cliche millennial-generation-find-yourself sort of way, but honestly it’s how i feel. 

it’s the summation of what this year has been, and what i think will continue for me into 2017.
being more me now than i've ever been.

i think the following has a huge part in the making up of that whole...

—my recognition of who my people are. who i can trust consistently in times of trouble, in times of joy, in times of in-between. who i can trust with the deeper and bigger pieces of my heart. having these people close and vocally stating to them, and myself, their value in my life did something to me this year in the way of my contentment and grounding that i’m not sure i’ve ever fully achieved or recognized in past years. having persons, a "tribe" if you will, is so essential to a healthy wellbeing.
i am so forward-and-backward-and-all-the-way-around grateful for mine.

—my acceptance of who i am. quite a vague statement for a very in depth realization, but i am going to leave it at that.

—my stepping out of a box i-and-others had built up around myself. in regards to my abilities, expectations, assumptions, limitations... all of which, imagined or not, smothered the person i was made to be. i'm still learning to shed the darkness of this box, but i'm seeing so much more light now than i ever have before.

—my learning to practice mindfulness. recognizing how and when i was fixating too much on the past or the future and not being present---> the most important place of the three to be.

—my intention and continuation of having a 'slow living' lifestyle. in so many new ways. which keep evolving and changing, but as a whole have made up so much of my mindset in regards to so many important pieces of my life this past year. which has only changed me for the better.

in addition to those key revelations and learnings, my vision for the year list (or goals/resolutions list if you will) was the shortest i think it’s ever been. 
i kept reaching to add more, tack on extra and additional, but it felt so forced that i kept erasing and deleting and cutting back again.
simplifying has been a theme of my year as well and it seems even subconsciously i've taken ahold of it in more ways than i originally had realized.
to give you some perspective, New Year’s lists of the past have had categories.
i’m talking headers with subtext, comments and sub-goals. which is all well and good but when it comes down to it, most intentions and desires can usually be summed up in a few words, if not one word.

and so, after looking at my humble little list, i realized the theme for my year (as mentioned on instagram the other night) is....

to create  s p a c e

to stop doing things out of obligation
to let go of things that weigh me down
to cease doing things that make unhappy

you would think that something of that sort would be glaringly obvious and not so hard to halt the doing of, and yet we get so caught up in routine and should do’s and the comparison game and obligation and, more often than not, downright fear that before we know it we’ve woven this tangled web that we aren’t sure how to get out of. 
it’s especially hard when those things have become habit. 
it’s maybe even harder when those things are related to money, as money is a necessity in this world we live in because, well, we have to eat... at the minimum.

and so the last quarter 2016, because i was starting to have somewhat of a quarter life crisis, involved me figuring out what those things were.
what i needed to change.
and, once i did, being brave and proactive about starting to let them go. 
again, i know that's quite vague, but more will probably come out about this as the year progresses and i figure things out.
however right now i'm not able to talk about it because i'm still somewhat in the midst of the figuring-out.
and if there is something i've learned time and time again (because for some reason i need to repeat mistakes excessively MULTIPLE times before i actually learn...) about a phase of this sort,  is that when i share something too soon, it can often change the once positive outcome into a negative one.
i've learned to share and be open once my healing and wellbeing isn't dependant on others reactions to what i've shared.
once i've moved past it.
once i've figured things out.
once i'm solid again, no longer shakable.

because when you share things too soon, even with the most well intending of parties, especially people who don't know you deep down all the way (see first point in list above), unwanted, unwarranted, confusing, misleading advice and opinion is often given in the midst of your journey. and if you invite too much of it, focus too much on it, and start listening to the outside voices more than that of your inner voice, you can step off the path and your journey becomes longer and harder.

so. 
all of that to say. 
i'm headed in a new direction.
i don't fully know what that looks like yet. it might not look that different to some of you. it might look radically different to the rest of you. but that's not really what matters because it's my journey and i'm the one who's a-walkin it.

so here's to all of our journeys this year.
i'm not going to hope that your paths are smooth and straight- for it's the wrong turns and bumps in the road that often make us into better versions of ourselves and we end up being the most grateful for- but i do hope that when you do encounter those unexpected and hard times, you have good people around you to help you through them.
and if you don't: go out and find them.

p.s. you're amazing if you read that whole entire thing.

p.p.s. i was contemplating summing up my year in a list.
a “year in review” if you will, as is my ritual. 
however, as i am one who’s always fighting against being defined by the things i do and people’s perception of that and being summed up in a list of accomplishments (or lack there of) i decided to refrain. and, also, because the value and whole and looking back on a year and all of it's trials and triumphs cannot be adequately expressed in a bulletpointed list.
 

Two Camps

there is so much going on in the world today and there are seemingly two camps in regards to addressing it.

the one: to ignore it which would be to selfishly turn a blind eye to the pain of others and our ability to try and begin to help and heal it.

the other: to address it which often invites overwhelm and despair in the recognition of the depth and breadth of the pain and suffering and hurt that is going on, which can often be so paralizing.

nevertheless the various topics on my heart, heavy with their weight, are ones i feel as though i go back and forth between these two camps in.

neither of our languages can reach it.
yours or mine.
 

however my hope is not in that of this world. 

which some see as naive, idealistic, and ignorant.

however i see it as the opposite. 

i wouldn’t know how to begin to function and be any semblance of “okay” in the world if i didn’t have that hope.

regardless, i pray for all that is going on in this world and just hold onto a dream that we can learn about and remember the things that are important, one of which above all is love.

A Slow Christmas

It's Christmas Eve Eve!

I've spent the majority of the day finishing up some handmade gifts, printing photos, wrapping presents, cuddling up with my sheepskins, knitting some non work related things, contemplating making some cookies (though to be honest I'll probably wait until tomorrow so they're as fresh as possible for Santa...), drinking a glass of wine, catching up on podcasts and just enjoying being home (except for the hour I had to run an errand... but everyone was insane and borderline getting into accidents everywhere so I quickly came back).

Contrary to our cultures usual state around this time of year, there's surprisingly been a lot of slowness and contentment around here this month for me. Which is refreshing in an almost overwhelming way.

This is the first December in a long long time where I am not insane, stressed out, sleep deprived and overwhelmed with my work load and attempting to accomplish way more things than any one person can sanely do.
I decided back in the fall that this month was going to look different for me in that way especially. My soul has craved a change, in a few different areas of my life, but I was having a hard time identifying what it was exactly.
I'm still in the midst of figuring it out somewhat, but I eventually realized that I wasn't going to figure it out if I kept filling my life with so much noise. With so much busyness. With so much.
So I decided to create space.
So I intentionally cut back. 
And I think I've had one of the more peaceful and enjoyable Christmas season than I've had in quite some time as a result.
It only took me all year for the art of slow living to finally, really-truly-all-the-way, sink in.

In keeping with this, I'm going to be doing my very best to stay off my phone and social media on Christmas day and maybe even a little while after too. 
I might have to delete my Instagram app to be able to fully do this (I wish I could just shut off my phone but I like taking photos with it too much) because let's be real, that swipe-tap-scroll impulse is insatiable sometimes...
It's the only social media app I have left on my phone these days, though I can't say that I don't use Safari way too often to still get on twitter and Facebook... so I'm not as disconnected as I seem.

But I won't be gone for long.
I've been writing too voraciously and habitually for that. 
(At last)    

Merry Christmas dear friends. I hope you're able to create yourself some intentional space and peace for yourself and your loved ones this weekend as well.

xo

Intimacy Lost

it’s a thing we downplay.
linking our souls to another’s.
for that is what you’re doing when you willingly join the intimate dance of a relationship.
when you choose to be vulnerable, a consistent kind of vulnerable, with another person.
because it’s a kind of shared intimacy that you only experience with one person at a time. 
sometimes even one person in a lifetime— should you be so lucky.
it’s an experience that often escapes words.

to show yourself, all of yourself, to another person in such a way, i don’t know that there’s a braver thing you can attempt as a human being. 
i’ve only truly, fully, done it once.
and it was something i took years to recover from once that intimacy was broken.
it isn’t a rare thing, most of us have been to this kind of depth with another soul. it isn’t always romantic either. for there are many ties that bind, and not all are made up of one kind of love.
and yet, we scoff and scorn the overwrought heartbreak of those of us who’ve gone there and have to come back.
we encourage the pushing-under-the-rug of the emotions and the reckless-quick-remedies of the sloppy mending of denied broken hearts.
we roll our eyes at the repetition of admonished pain, and tearful late night calls of confusion of the once-again laments of “if-how-why-when’s”

it’s not encouraged, this kind of process of grieving.
“get over it”
we say.
“there are more important things to focus your energy on”
“they don’t deserve your tears”
“it happened, but it’s in the past, let it go”
“there’s someone better out there for you”

but a healing is in order to properly let something go.

to let something go fully, you have to know where all of the pieces are.
otherwise you’ll continue to find them, scattered about, probing you back into the pain of a low-light reel of experiences past.
no, you have to gather all of the pieces, examine them, understand them to the best of your ability, and those you cannot, you come to terms with. 
and then, once they are all in your arms, once you have grieved a thing once whole, you release the pieces then, and only then. 
for prematurely doing so isn’t a full healing.
drowning the pieces with tears and whiskey doesn’t help (though for a night or two in the interim it might…)
throwing the pieces off of cliffs and into seas doesn’t help
trampling the pieces under your rage and fury doesn’t help.
running away from the pieces doesn’t help either- though that is the one most often tried.
it’s in the gathering, the cherishing, the knowing, of each sacred piece, of each experience, each memory, each circumstance in which you were brave. 

you were raw

you were open

you were honest

you were daring

you were loving

you were you

and celebrating that. 
celebrating the fact that you were a strong enough being to do that, to be that, to trust like that but that now, your strength is needed in a different way, it’s needed to let go.

that is the remedy for intimacy lost.

In Nature

i always think of you when i see magnolias. 
and rosemary. 
and figs. 
and sometimes pine needles. 
i’m happy that there are such beautiful things in nature that are tied to you in my heart and mind.

Transparent

trans·par·ent

transˈperənt/

adjective

adjective: transparent

1. (of a material or article) allowing light to pass through so that objects behind can be distinctly seen.
   "transparent blue water"

---

i want to be that.

i want to be transparent.

because that’s what i want to be a vessel of:

l i g h t 

A Father, a Daughter and a Boat

Released with my Daughter of A Sailor video a few weeks ago was this gem! A piece focused on my Father, the sailor, and his beautiful masterfully built wooden boat, Una.

You can watch the video here!

And see more of The Sailor's boat building escapades on his blog.
And more of our joint sailing adventures on our instagram.

 

This Is The Time Once Again

i came across this writing again recently that i wrote in october of last year.
it resonated with my soul in such a real way i wanted to re-share it. 

---

This Is The Time

this is the time in which you'll be split down the middle on things. in a sentence: it’s a transition from i-believe-this-because-you-do to i-believe-this-because-i-do.

this is the time in which your opinions and beliefs are traveling from the side of blind following to hard earned opened eyed searching and seeing for yourself. which will sometimes entail a fight-for-it-even-when-it’s-hard believing. this is the in-between moment of those two times. 

be okay with that. 

you'll end up on the other side eventually. 

this is the time in which you'll curl up under your covers late at night in the dark and have a three hour transatlantic phone conversation with your best friend. a conversation about what love is. 

something will shift in your understanding during that conversation. 

don't let go of it. 

this is the time when you'll realize it's far more important to look people in the eye and offer them your hand, than it is to be comfortable. 

this is the time in which you'll understand, finally, why it is you do the things you do and how you are the way you are. but what's more than just understanding it, you'll love it. you'll love yourself. fully. 

this is the time in which you'll finally realize that, really, no one else gives a damn and so you shouldn't either. 

this is the time in which you'll realize there's a secret club. that you're the head of it. that everyone, in fact, has their own secret club. and what's terribly important and sacred is the people you choose to let into it. 

but in the same vein: don't be close minded and overly selective about who you let in. 

this is the time in which you will be told it will be okay. 

this is also the time in which you will actually believe it. 

A New York Engagement

New York, I love you so. 

You can see some of Melissa and Steven's Brooklyn engagement photos featured on Junebug Weddings

Enroute

and so this then is my realization. 
 

to know oneself is something. 

but to know oneself with another is something else entirely altogether.
 

and what is more, a farther reaching wonder, is that in the grasping for this true unshakable knowledge, a necessity in this life, is whether or not this is a knowing you can achieve before you’re with someone.

or if it’s something that you aren’t able to truly know, truly learn, truly grasp, until you are tested and tried by the during-process-enroute of being with someone.